"where to, ma’am ?"
just heard my roommate yell ‘you USED me!!!’ from the living room n im sitting here like ??? 2 seconds later my rat comes running into my room holding a french fry in his lil baby mouth
man: has anyone ever told you you’re beautiful?
me: oh no sir, today is my first day out of doors and papà forbade mirrors in the house lest we fall victim to vanity
if you’re reading this i love you and i believe in you
this just in: ryan nosdrinker hates the illiterate and the blind
washed my sheets but my bed still smells like garlic? guess thats just how it is now
garlic bed
just like malware is short for “malicious software”, delaware is short for “delicious software”